I feel like I no longer have my best friends..

This hurts more than losing family...having none of your close friends..especially my close girl friends not have any contact with me..I know my phone is out of service..but really no response to anything facebook..clearly you have been on. I just dont understand this..this hurts..I feel like these women are my sisters and umm..I guess they dont see me that way. I dont understand it..I know I have not been the best friend..hiding myself and shutting down..but when I finally open up for the first time in my life..people leave..they just stop talking and really caring. I see these girls and they are so full of Christ and thats what this friendship is. maybe thats my problem..I havent made it all about Jesus. Ya Jesus I really need you..and that should be the only thing that matters..

The End to Fifi!!

How do I start living in my life, instead of living on the outside of it? Why am I trying these things? Who am I trying this for? Why am I afraid? These my friends are the questions I have been asking myself now for a couple of weeks. You see just recently I broke free from, well myself you could say, the me who has held onto fear and insecurities. Let's call her Fifi ( ya I know I know this is crazy). Now she was full of fear and rejection, everything she did was in hopes of impressing someone in the hopes of them loving her. Not in the romantic way, that my friends is an entire different conversation, what I am talking about is family and friendship love. People who love me for just me. That good, the bad and the ugly. See, she was afraid that she was never good enough for people so she tried to imitate those around her whom she thought people adored. "If I only acted, or looked, or sounded, or sang..etc." Her tiny voice echoed in my ear 24/7. Two weeks ago I had it with her. I was sick and tired of her and her ability to handicap me in any situation I was in. You know because of her, my closest girlfriends, whom I consider to be like my sisters, do not actually know me. How sad is that?! They knew Fifi and they tolerated her long enough because they wanted to get to know Bree. But here's the kicker, since I have let Fifi rule my life, my entire life, I don't know who Bree is. Thus my journey begins...

Stumble on a Growing Journey

How can one person shatter the feeling of success on a growing path? Through all the stumbling that I have done when it comes to learning about boundaries in my life, why now does this hurt more? Is it because this was the first person I set healthy boundaries with from the very beginning. Did everything in my power to make the friendship right. To show this person what it meant to have real friendship. To show myself what it meant to be in a healthy friendship from the start. OR was I really so cold..did the boundaries I set up ruin the friendship? Have I become cold now? OR is it more that I am still learning and making mistakes. OR was this person so difficult and so hurt and lost that even in front of him, he couldn't see truth. Truth in the friendships that had so briefly entered his life. I know the feeling of fear. Fear of people loving you for who you really are. Fear of your heart softening and changing. TRUSTING. Why do we shy away from the One that has always been there? I know in my heart that this friend is more running away from the the Lord who loves him so unconditionally, and I know that my friendship is only another way of the Lord shining through. I see now in my conversations with this friend, that I always made sure the Lord was ever so present, because He is the only one I live for. So is not obvious that in every action I take I am doing so for the Lord. Well at least trying. I am not perfect only human. But it is what I strive for. I guess my heart just hurts because I want this friend to be in pain no more. I want him to find the truth and grasp it with all of his being. I know what it is like to be on the other side, being blind to the truth. Never really seeing the Lord never feeling his love for me because I was consumed by the worldly view of me. Such a lonely place that is. And the scariest part of all is feeling more comfortable in this place because it is so familiar, and the fear of the unknown is so great just imagining it makes you tremble. I know the Lord is with this friend, and now it is only Jesus who can penetrate his heart. I have no control and the only thing I can do is pray for this friend. To always love and care for this friend even when he does not want me to. And with this conclusion I feel in my heart, I can only give it the Lord. The questions I ask can only be answered by him. And in this I know I will be OK. I know my friend will be OK.

getting stuff off my chest

Ok so I know in my previous blogs I was explaining my past and how I came to be the woman I am today..well I am sick of thinking about the past. Can't a girl just be done with it? I want to move on to the present. No more thinking about how the past has made me feel..you know when you keep on over analyzing every move you made in the past..you in no way shape or form can possibly change..possibly grow! Now yes I am sick of growing, perservering my way on my path with Jesus..but guess what girl that's what it takes to be on the right path..the path to Him. I dont want to be on any other path but His!!! So from now on I live today for today with him right next to me. What he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. Why then do I let people run my life? Why then do I let people's opinions of me rule my every action?! Well guess what people I am done! Here is the deal..Yes I am a girly girl who loves movies such as Easter Parade and the Sound of Music, I love dance it is amazing and beautiful, READING is my favorite, I love all music, I love getting my nails done, wearing makeup and getting somewhat dressed up..still feel insecure about my outer appearance but I am working on it! I love the theatre and the ballet oh and ART! I HATE bugs with a passion! And if I want to worry about things that may be silly to other people well dammit let me be me! Yes, I am also a girl who loves the outdoors and its ever beauty, fresh air is truly the only thing that makes me happy! I love hiking, I love camping, fishing,4wheeling, motorcycles, and CARS (oh how I love cars), I love sports, yes all kinds, playing catch is something I miss doing! I am terrified of heights and falling, but I am trying to break that. I love clothes and shoes but at an inexpensive budgeted price. I love purses. hmm..oh and I love food even though I am stuck with a stupid disease that only permits me to eat gluten free foods. I love to cook and bake for people..its my way of serving!! oh and I have opinions and feelings and if I suck at articulating them, that does not mean to ignore my presence when a deep discussion is occuring!! that absolutely drives me mad!!! I am learning more and more and the Lord is giving me all that I can handle to learn at this point in time. And another thing..if I go quiet that does not mean that I am not ok!! so stop asking!!! i am an internal processor...let me figure things out! GAH!! and I am a person who likes lots of people whom I love around me! I do not like to sit at home with nothing to do..especially if there is something to do! I just don't like being taken for granted and sometimes I feel that way.And why is being girly such a bad thing..why do I feel as if I am tolerated for being girly?!!! Especially by guys? I like the same stuff you know..and I respect you so whats the deal? its RUDE!

The Beginning, My lowest Point

I was succumed to the inevitable fixation of love. I had a taste of it and thrived for more. I felt like my life was starting to come together, just like in the movies. "Gamer" and I were happily in the puppy love stage where nothing could faze us. I even met his full family at his birthday. I will point out that I was extremely afraid to meet his sister.( She was to become the coolest person, someone I still consider to be my sister). I remember being in his backyard, sitting in lawn chairs talking with her. She was expecting a little boy soon. I was excited for her, and holding her close was the baby's father, an Angel if you will. She was so open and friendly, "Gamer" had made her seem to be a scary monster, waiting to snap my head off for even dating him. Instead she was completely different. We became friends in that moment, a friendship that still angers "Gamer." I believe this relationship which I built with his family was the starting of "Gamer's" jealousy over me. I believe it made him feel insecure about himself. What he didn't realize, was that the real reason I got so close was because I wanted them to be my family. People who I trusted and loved so much. I thought I was going to be apart of the family. His dad and mom, whom I still love to this day, who are still apart of my family. Even with out him in the picture, I always have them. They are wonderful good people.
Anyways back to the relationship. We are now treading on the last semester of high school. I was always a good student, receiving good grades, I worked hard. Okay, to be honest I could have worked much harder, but well I had too many other things to focus on. "Gamer," however, could care less about school. In fact, without my help, he would have never graduated from high school. He was never motivated, and frankly that didn't sit well with me. An argument that would initiate our first break up. ( Yes, there were many break ups). You see "Gamer" wanted to depend on me to do everything, where as I wanted a man to take somewhat control of his own life. I didn't want to force feed him. I wanted a man to take care of me, no not provide everything, jsut a man who could stand on his own, take responsibility, and most importantly love me. I mean I gave him everything, all I wanted in return was everything from him. Thus, began our dependency on eachother. An ugly cycle that would come crashing down on us that summer.
Even a long vacation couldn't prevent the inevitable control he had on me...
To be continued

the beginning, my lowest point

I think I may begin at the beginning of my walk with Jesus. More precise, the beginning of how I fell to my lowest point in my life. I must note, this will be a long story. It will take many posts to share. Also know that I am writing to share my story, so that no other girl will be subject to this in the future. This story has a happy ending.

In all aspects of my life, I let my insecurities get the best of me. Always wondering what people thought of me. Trying in all my might to please every single person. Wanting unconditional love, love that never had anything tied to it. I was that girl, the one who watched the Romantic comedy's, the one who fantasised about being the lead character who above all else got the guy. No matter how awkward or weird she was, she was loved by the dashing lead male. The best friend character who by the end of the movie realized that indeed his best friend, the girl that was so amazing and truly unnoticed, was the girl he really loved. I can't tell you how many countless day dreams I had where I placed myself in roles such as Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail," "When Harry Met Sally," or even worse Rachel McAdam's character in "The Notebook." I was thoroughly convinced that somehow my life would be like theirs. I would find this love, some man would find all the unbelievably random quirks that i have, endearing. Trust me I have plenty of those; however, the response I got was more like," Your such a good friend,or," You're marriage material, not datable, maybe when I actually want to get married I would think about you." Ridiculous right? I sure thought so..until my hopes and dreams of "my best guy friend" falling for me came true. His name is not important, why give him such credit as that. You'll see where this disdain for him comes in to play later in the story.

Junior year of high school was absolutely perfect, why you ask? Well, I was feeling confident with a new appearance, a better hang of high school, and a solid group of friends keeping me focused. This gave me a new confidence in myself, I could easily flirt with guys and get an equal response. My endeavor was to date one of the popular guys, so when my attention was solely focused on those "guys" I completely missed the shy nerdy boy sitting next to me in English. He always wore a ball cap and never seemed to care about anything. I pegged him as one of those nerdy gamers who sits at home all by himself playing video games and eating junk food or inappropriately thinking about girls. ( I might add that i had officially become a very judgmental individual, a lesson I would learn soon enough). Anyways, second semester had rolled around, and I was up for the part of Alice, in Alice in Wonderland. My cousin was directing it. "Gamer" we'll call him, came into our theatre class. I will give a brief scan of appearance of him, since this will help you visualize him better. He was only 5'4 extremely skinny, his stature reminded me of a junior high boy hitting puberty..he got out of this stage the following summer. His hair was a shabby brown and he had hazel eyes. he always wore orange and a baseball cap. In my mind I thought clearly we need a person to play the role of the dorm mouse, and he seemed most believable. (Once again I was cruel). We began our long stretch of rehearsals, in which as I supposed he was unprofessional, he goofed off the entire time. Now me being a very outspoken individual, I had a way of words with him. He however, always listened to them and responded well to them. Almost too well. It wasn't until mid way through rehearsals, that I began to notice him. One day while waiting on the side of the stage, he approached me, put his arm on my shoulder, turned to me and said "Sup," with a nod to follow. Now this is pretty silly, but the way in which he approached me was direct and it caught my attention. None of the other guys I had ever known approached me, not in that way at least. I generally got the " Hey baby, nice ass!" or "Damn, the way you drink that is so sexy!" Ewe! So from that point on the flirting games began. Me on one end, him on the other, battling to see who could break first, and ask the other one out. During this little game, I began a close friendship with him. We were so comfortable with each other, we told each other everything. Not one secret or horrible childhood past could be withheld. So no surprise, the friendship turned into a roller coaster of we're friends, but we like each other, but I don't know, it's complicated. Now the first red flag about who "Gamer" really was, and how he was not the guy for me, came in the form of finding out that when he was pursuing a relationship with me, he was also pursuing three other girls. Yes, stupid right? (this girl I am talking about does not exist anymore, she has entirely changed and will never make the same misjudgments again). Now, upon finding this out I approached him with, my Mexican attitude, yes it comes out when I am very upset, I left him speechless, dumb founded even. To tell you the truth it felt pretty good. That feeling should have sealed the deal, should have lead me to walk away entirely. No, instead I gave in to his groveling that occurred for the next few weeks. He proceeded to profess his love for me, blah blah blah. I, being so insecure and secretly wanting that movie magic romance, gave in and began dating him. The following months were magical. I truly had that movie magic romance, nothing could touch me I was on cloud nine. Now my feelings of this relationship is so perfect, was entirely different for him. You see he only cared about the physical stuff. OK let's be honest all the guy cared about was loosing his virginity before he graduated from high school. I, however always pictured myself losing mine on my wedding night. Thus began the manipulation on his part. His tools were as follows, "Baby girl, I am going to marry you once we're out of high school, so it would mean that you would be losing your virginity to the guy you're going to marry," "Don't you know I am in love with you," "Why can't you let me show how much I love you?" Oh the list of bullshit excuses go on. I being so insecure was afraid that this guy/relationship that I had always wanted was going to end. He was going to leave me, if I didn't give in. So I did. A night in February I will never forget. This is the night that I began to lose myself entirely, I was to eventually become someone I didn't even recognize...
To be continued...