Stumble on a Growing Journey

How can one person shatter the feeling of success on a growing path? Through all the stumbling that I have done when it comes to learning about boundaries in my life, why now does this hurt more? Is it because this was the first person I set healthy boundaries with from the very beginning. Did everything in my power to make the friendship right. To show this person what it meant to have real friendship. To show myself what it meant to be in a healthy friendship from the start. OR was I really so cold..did the boundaries I set up ruin the friendship? Have I become cold now? OR is it more that I am still learning and making mistakes. OR was this person so difficult and so hurt and lost that even in front of him, he couldn't see truth. Truth in the friendships that had so briefly entered his life. I know the feeling of fear. Fear of people loving you for who you really are. Fear of your heart softening and changing. TRUSTING. Why do we shy away from the One that has always been there? I know in my heart that this friend is more running away from the the Lord who loves him so unconditionally, and I know that my friendship is only another way of the Lord shining through. I see now in my conversations with this friend, that I always made sure the Lord was ever so present, because He is the only one I live for. So is not obvious that in every action I take I am doing so for the Lord. Well at least trying. I am not perfect only human. But it is what I strive for. I guess my heart just hurts because I want this friend to be in pain no more. I want him to find the truth and grasp it with all of his being. I know what it is like to be on the other side, being blind to the truth. Never really seeing the Lord never feeling his love for me because I was consumed by the worldly view of me. Such a lonely place that is. And the scariest part of all is feeling more comfortable in this place because it is so familiar, and the fear of the unknown is so great just imagining it makes you tremble. I know the Lord is with this friend, and now it is only Jesus who can penetrate his heart. I have no control and the only thing I can do is pray for this friend. To always love and care for this friend even when he does not want me to. And with this conclusion I feel in my heart, I can only give it the Lord. The questions I ask can only be answered by him. And in this I know I will be OK. I know my friend will be OK.

getting stuff off my chest

Ok so I know in my previous blogs I was explaining my past and how I came to be the woman I am today..well I am sick of thinking about the past. Can't a girl just be done with it? I want to move on to the present. No more thinking about how the past has made me feel..you know when you keep on over analyzing every move you made in the past..you in no way shape or form can possibly change..possibly grow! Now yes I am sick of growing, perservering my way on my path with Jesus..but guess what girl that's what it takes to be on the right path..the path to Him. I dont want to be on any other path but His!!! So from now on I live today for today with him right next to me. What he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. Why then do I let people run my life? Why then do I let people's opinions of me rule my every action?! Well guess what people I am done! Here is the deal..Yes I am a girly girl who loves movies such as Easter Parade and the Sound of Music, I love dance it is amazing and beautiful, READING is my favorite, I love all music, I love getting my nails done, wearing makeup and getting somewhat dressed up..still feel insecure about my outer appearance but I am working on it! I love the theatre and the ballet oh and ART! I HATE bugs with a passion! And if I want to worry about things that may be silly to other people well dammit let me be me! Yes, I am also a girl who loves the outdoors and its ever beauty, fresh air is truly the only thing that makes me happy! I love hiking, I love camping, fishing,4wheeling, motorcycles, and CARS (oh how I love cars), I love sports, yes all kinds, playing catch is something I miss doing! I am terrified of heights and falling, but I am trying to break that. I love clothes and shoes but at an inexpensive budgeted price. I love purses. hmm..oh and I love food even though I am stuck with a stupid disease that only permits me to eat gluten free foods. I love to cook and bake for people..its my way of serving!! oh and I have opinions and feelings and if I suck at articulating them, that does not mean to ignore my presence when a deep discussion is occuring!! that absolutely drives me mad!!! I am learning more and more and the Lord is giving me all that I can handle to learn at this point in time. And another thing..if I go quiet that does not mean that I am not ok!! so stop asking!!! i am an internal processor...let me figure things out! GAH!! and I am a person who likes lots of people whom I love around me! I do not like to sit at home with nothing to do..especially if there is something to do! I just don't like being taken for granted and sometimes I feel that way.And why is being girly such a bad thing..why do I feel as if I am tolerated for being girly?!!! Especially by guys? I like the same stuff you know..and I respect you so whats the deal? its RUDE!